“Oh, this most certainly isn’t muscular,” the nurse flippantly reported after a series of tests. The words hit my heart like a lead balloon. Doesn’t she realize she just squashed my last hope for treatment? Does she know she has just destined me to a life of not seeing normal? Surely she has no clue. She’s just doing her job. Read the letters on the row. Do you prefer one or two – two or three – one or three. Now read the row. Ok. You’re done. Next? But wait! On this side of my eyes there are emotions tied closely to her words.
Shortly thereafter I saw the kind doctor who softly explained this was most likely retinal. His theory is that my compromised retina is seeing two focus points instead of one and my brain is trying to make sense of them. He said the office would soon be getting a machine that would be able to prove his theory. Once they could prove that, he could potentially laser the second focus point. While this would mean I would lose part of my vision, I would no longer see double. Excellent, I thought – sign me up. Turns out this is all theoretical. Unfortunately it seems my eye disease is pushing the boundaries of science. But, I’m so thankful for awesome doctors who are researching and continuing to bring options to the table.
After taking some more history he said he thought he could help me. What? Help me? I thought we were out of options? Turns out the help he is offering is bittersweet. He is recommending we drop my left contact three diopters, causing my left eye to blur. Having been amblyopic in that eye would be a blessing because my brain should accept the left eye not seeing and my right eye would take over. He was so cheerful and pleased that this would solve all my problems. I, however, left with my head swirling. It just seems so wrong to lose vision to get vision. I think the most painful part of the whole visit was having him confirm my left eye wasn’t very useful now, so it wouldn’t be a loss to blur it. I knew that in my heart, but hearing the doctor say it was like it was truth now. Weird, I know.
The last three years people have prayed harder and more often for my eyes than ever. And my eyes have gotten worse – dramatically worse over the last three years. What does that mean? You know what it means? It means GOD IS GOOD! God is good all the time. He can’t be anything but good because He is God! He loves me so much and promises to work all things for good. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whohave been called according to his purpose.” Good that I might not understand this side of heaven. But, I’m clinging to this promise. Good might just be bigger than me seeing well here on earth.
Every breath is a gift from Him. This life isn’t about me or my comfort. God has showed me love beyond comprehension in the free gift of eternal life. My heart if filled with gratitude and thanksgiving to Him.
There is a song by Colton Dixon called “You Are”. A line in that song says, “If I had no voice, if I had no tongue I would dance for you (God) like the rising sun. And when that day comes and I see your face I will shout your endless glorious praise.” My pray is that if I can’t see well, or if I have no sight, I’ll continue to sing and praise you because my limitations don’t make you any less of an awesome, amazing God worthy of all my praise.
Beautiful. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Thanks. It’s definitely a growing process – and growth can be a good thing if you embrace it.
I love how the doctor is a foil to the nurse, who could use a review of the hippocratic oath.
It really felt like that too. In the nurse’s defense, I don’t think she realized, that’s all.